10/2/2018 7 Comments 51, and still getting to know meWho are the people who knew who they were at a very young age? Like they left the birth canal knowing exactly what to do. And, why is it taking me so long to figure it all out? How is it that I'm half a century old and still digging through the layers? In some ways, I feel like I'm only just beginning.
Yesterday was an emotional day, and I got choked up at nearly everything. The day before, I hosted a "healing art and music" afternoon for a few ladies I thought might enjoy that kind of thing. Everything went well, and I received beautiful feedback throughout the evening. So, what's the problem? No problem, except that I started replaying some of my old, mental recordings, "Was that any good? Could I have done a better job? Will they still like me? Maybe I don't really have what it takes to do this." And, on and on. I don't have the energy and stamina I used to have, and just those few hours drained me dry. I also had chemo a couple of days before. When I woke up Monday morning, it's like the sky was falling. John and I were in a tiff, I was emotionally and physically exhausted, and the chemo was messing with my mind. I was thinking, why can't I get a grip? What's wrong with me? I'm trying to take my thoughts captive, be fearless, love myself knowing I belong to the Lord, and on and on. Yet, all I did was cry. My old self would say, "Above all, do NOT be vulnerable. Clean up your mess, and show everyone you've got it all together. Don't you know if they see you, they will reject you!?" I thought I was past all that, but turns out I'm still working on it. There's no moral to this story, or zippy closing line. This is it, this is me.
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8/22/2018 1 Comment mush and warm fuzziesI can't help but be in a state of joy, peace, and pure bliss. Forgive me if I go too far with the 70's type "let's just love everyone, and ourselves" garble. #butthatshowifeelrightnow
If I had to narrow it down to one reason, that would be difficult. Maybe it's because I'm really getting to know who I am, and loving that person. You realize, every one of us is a beautiful creation made by an incredibly creative God. I'm in my 50s and only just beginning to see that! God and cancer are what prompted this bliss, by the way. If I didn't have the suffering, I wouldn't be able to know the deep joy: the joy of learning to love myself and others, the joy of letting people in, the exhilaration of accepting myself just as I am, and the boundless wonder of exploring everything I'm passionate about. And the peace that comes from knowing that life is not about finding comfort and being happy, or feeling pain and being sad. It's about trusting God in all situations, and knowing it's all gonna be ok either way. Oh, it's just so good! I've worn all kinds of masks, but under each of them dwelled a person who loved all things, creative and beautiful: art, music, travel, people, whatever. I don't know, I guess it was fear of not fitting in, or not having enough talent not being cool enough. I pretty much had zero skills in the fine arts, though art was my favorite class and my teachers always seemed to like the things I created. I also wanted to be a musician, and play with a band. But again, no skill. Now, as a result of this diagnosis, and the blessing of having to resign from the only thing I knew how to do, teach, I'm able to start spreading my wings and doing something that fits me perfectly! It's a simple form of art therapy called Zentangle. And today I had the privilege of sharing it with two friends, one of which is going through a very difficult cancer diagnosis. In October, I'm blessed to be able to get certified in teaching this healing art form. I get to combine my favorite things: art, encouraging people, and teaching! When I did a vision board early this year, God revealed a message that was basically to "expect a huge, surprise blessing." Well here it is! God's delivered once again. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would fall in love with this "odd" kind of art! And then be able to teach it!!!! I don't put any pressure on myself to be perfect anymore (#whattheheckisperfect) My only goal now is to continue discovering what God created my to do while I'm here, and use the gifts He gave me to share His love for every person. I think when we become our full selves, there is no need to do anything else but know that we're loved and accepted just as we are, by the One who made us. And the One who is with us in every moment, joyful or dark, and the One who will eventually take us back to Himself to live an eternity of bliss. And the one who put each and every one of us on this earth for a great purpose! I think you find your purpose by finding what you love, and sharing it with others. Whether it's influencing your family, or a crowd of thousands, when you do what you were designed to do, you'll know that you are being used by God, Himself: the Creator of all things, and the very definition of love. Now, that wasn't "too 70's mushy" was it! Still don't know what I'm doing, but that didn't stop us from sharing this sweet time today. #connectingmakesmehappy #musictranscendsthisworld (see lots of my favorites on the next page) #loveandartelevatemysoul 6/20/2018 10 Comments Could it really happen?My best friend of 45 years came in from Virginia last Friday fora visit. John left the same day for the motorcycle trip of his life with his big brother, Ray. Amy was a great distraction for me so I wouldn't miss him as much, or stress about him being on the motorcycle everyday. On Sunday, Amy and I were on cloud nine! We went to see An American in Paris at the Majestic an were beside ourselves with joy and the giddies. I forgot how much I love the theater! On Monday morning, the "darkness" had a field day with me. There were some kind of thugs parked outside of my house scaring the badoodles out of both Amy and me. They were in this "car from the hood" with music blasting, and smoke billowing out of the darkened windows. I called the police, and they drove off when they arrived, only to come back and follow Amy in the car as she went out for a coffee. The police pulled them over twice, and they told lies both times about what they were doing. I made a police report, and was officially freaked. I started to calm a little when my Bible study beauties showed up and though I tried to relax, I couldn't stop my heart from pounding. Hundreds of negative thoughts ran through my mind. As I began to calm down I knocked on some of the neighbors doors in our cul-de-sac to share what happened. It was such a nice feeling to connect with everyone and be a part of a community. But one of them stood out. He was like the grandpa I never had. He said if that ever happens again, call him and he'll come right out. He also offered for me to stay with him and his wife if I was ever nervous about being alone. Steve and his wife Eda are so sweet, and I had all kinds of warm fuzzies. This morning I woke up feeling the weight of the day ahead. It was time to hear my scan results. There was a full-body bone scan, a chest and abdomen CAT scan, and a brain MRI to look at. For a while this morning my heart was calm, and then suddenly I was sinking. Terror had struck as it often does before I have to get that report. Which direction will my life take when I hear those results? Will it be status quo? Will it be good news? Or, perhaps, this is the beginning of the end? I walked into that office with five angels squeezing in beside me. They chatted, we laughed, they talked about “nothing” to take my mind off what we were doing. I tried to engage, but I was shaking on the inside and it took everything I had not to fall apart right there. I can't imagine what I would have felt if they weren't there. They were literally like angels surrounding me, lifting me, loving me, holding me up, and protecting me. May God bless these incredible women. Enter Dr. Lang, and she wasted no time at all. She was still walking when she said, “Your scans look great, Audrey!” Everybody jumped up with shouts of joy! We were loud! I was a bit shell shocked. I asked her, “What exactly does ‘great’ mean?” So, here's some of what's on the report:
I tried to digest it all, it's the kind of thing I should be jumping up and down about. But I just felt numb. Happy for the great report, but completely drained. All I really wanted to do was go home and slide under the covers. It's not often I've been at the START Center and heard good news, let alone, GREAT AND MIRACULOUS news. My friends told Dr. Lang that I was really scared this time, and she replied, "she had good reason to be." I've often struggled with the questions, Am I doing this right? Am I taking the right supplements? Praying right? And on and on. But I'm slowly coming to realize, there's nothing I "did" or "didn't" do to cause cancer or to be healed. I simply did what I thought was right at the time. And that's that. I'm not going to judge myself anymore. God has been working in me, changing my heart, and healing me in ways that weren't even in my scope of imagination. This is the most heart wrenching journey I’ve ever been on, yet I’m grateful for every moment of it. Today, that little office, with six souls, was filled with the power of LOVE and the Holy Spirit! Many tears of joy, and lots of laughter filled the small space. Dr. Lang even grabbed a few tissues! I can't help but wonder if I’ll I might just get that miracle of total healing. Could it really happen to me? "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1;21 This blog is dedicated to all my angels today. Pearl, the receptionist Laura, the medical technician (always prays and has klove on her radio) Mary, the most precious nurse practitioner I could imagine Dr. Lang, there are no words for how much I love and respect this woman My Angels, your presence today was blessed me in ways I can't describe. Thank you, Amy, Jo, Barbara, and Tracie! 4/11/2018 4 Comments cancer breakNo doubt cancer has changed me for the better, deepened my relationships with people and God, given me more compassion and gratitude, it's broadened my perspective, opened my eyes to the gift of life, and helped me to cherish every single moment that I'm here. What a gift these things are!
At the moment, though, I'm so sick of cancer. I don't want to be the "cancer girl" anymore. One of the best things my oncologist did was to switch to a treatment that's only once a month. I had no idea what NOT BEING AT START CENTER every week would do for my soul and spirit. I'm so grateful for that place, and overall it's a pretty positive atmosphere. Still, there is cancer EVERYWHERE! It's like watching the news: every now and then, there's a beautiful story, but mostly it depresses me. Then, it gets into my head and messes with my thinking. I need a break. I want to live like a "normal person" without cancer. I want a "new, NEW" normal. Helping and encouraging people is in my blood and always will be. But cancer circles are simultaneously beautiful, inspiring and devastating places to be a part of. Sometimes I want to turn it all off and watch a marathon of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. Right now, my focus is all about making memories with John and my friends. I also want to adopt a little, furry friend for Mojo. It's been so fun visiting the shelters as often as I'm able. I prefer another little guy like him, and maybe naming him Migo or Taco. It's just fun to not think about cancer for a bit. I'm listening, for the second time, to a book by Bob Goff called "Love Does." It's so beautiful and inspiring to me. I love his sense of adventure, humor, humility, and "doing love" more than simply "learning and talking about it." So, I'm gonna try and put this whole "cancer bit" on the back burner for a while. God-willing, I'm going to have a summer full of love, memories, friendship and serving. Minus the shadow of cancer. I pray you have the same. This life is such an amazing gift! Cherish every moment, because none of us knows when the "dash" will come to an end. Live like all you have is today. 1966 -- __________ 3/17/2018 4 Comments Like Chummy and constable noakesThe beginning of our marriage was not the blissful, boundless love affair that I saw in movies, or viewed on Facebook. It was hard. There were many times I thought we might not make it. But, I was resolved to never divorce, so I thought we might just become like roommates. We'd learn to tolerate each other, but live separate lives. So, how did we get where we are today? It's only God. God's the one that made it clear to my spirit that John was the man for me. Marry him. And with all our issues, we married. I often thought that God made a mistake, or that I heard him wrong. Year two of our marriage, endometriosis surgery, year three, early stage breast cancer and lumpectomy, year four double mastectomy, year five stage four metastasis and brain radiation, year six continued chemo, year seven and the beat goes on. John has taken care of me every step of the way. We're watching the show, Call the Midwife. A friend of mine said that a certain character reminded her so much of me. I originally watched a few years ago just to see who it was. I was hoping it was the lovely, beautiful nurse Jenny. I was so flattered. Then, Chummy appeared, and I knew in an instant that's who my friend meant. I couldn't watch anymore because I saw myself in her as well. Tall, awkward, and very average looks. I was kind of embarrassed. This go around, I find myself so honored that someone would see me like Chummy. I think she's absolutely lovely. She's my favorite character on the show, maybe ever. And her courtship and marriage with Constable Noakes sometimes makes me tear up. I've often felt terribly awkward and unfeminine around people (men). But because Chummy wears her height and stature with confidence and beauty, so can I. And Constable adores her. Somehow, Chummy has given me permission to feel more comfortable, even with my husband, with my large hands and feet, and broad shoulders. She's made me feel beautiful just as I am. Today, as John and I celebrated St. Patrick's day downtown, his love reminded me of the way Constable Noakes loves Chummy. There were no prompts from me, the love he showed came straight from his heart. The way he was so kind and gentle with me, the way he wouldn't let me walk to the car but went to pick it up, the way he found a comfortable seat in a hotel lobby and brought me some cold water while I waited, the way he looked at me today, and how we laughed about things that we used to fight about. Or when he gave what little shade there was to me, and fetched me a chair, even though he was sweating and starting to burn. Or how he held me up through the crowds to make sure I didn't fall. Not to mention, he has a wife that hobbles around and loses balance all the time, and he stays without judgment or impatience. All those simple things turned into a colossal avalanche of love. I gushed inside knowing that I have a man like this. For years I thought I had to look a certain way, or behave a certain way in order to be lovable. I had no idea what unconditional love looked or felt like. Apparently, I'm still unraveling that lie. It's layer upon layer. But on this day, I thank God for bringing John to me and helping us through the hard times. I'd go through them again, even if it was simply to experience a day like today. It's amazing how the way someone sees you can make you change the way you see yourself. It's like when Don Quixote saw (and treated) Aldonza like Dulcinea. And so she became. One of my all time favorite movies. Today, I was Dulcinea. This is the stuff of life. 3/8/2018 3 Comments Don't feel sorry for meFor so many, a happy life means a life free from stress and pain. A life where all (or most of) our dreams come true. Let's face it, we like things to go our way, And "our way," whatever the desire, usually means something good happens, or continues happening. We get the job, we have the baby, we take the trip, every deal goes through, we have optimal health, and we disappoint no one. Ever. Basically, we live a perfect existence, and have every intention to keep it that way. Then something happens to mess with our plans. We lose someone we love, we don't get the job, our car is stolen, people hurt us, our home burns down, or in my case, get a cancer diagnosis. When it needs to be said, and people hear what my diagnosis is, mostly I get a real sad look from them that says "I'm so sorry, I wish I could do something to take it way." Like that look of pity. And that look usually prompts me to say, "But it's okay, I'm fine." Don't pity me, I'm living the sweetest life ever. For me, the holy grail has been learning to live in the present moment, and being grateful for everything that exists therein. I don't dwell in the past, and I don't fear the future. I've done that for most of my life, and it's proven to yield nothing. Always, nothing. Nothing but sadness, fear, anxiety and lies. The holy grail isn't in reaching the ultimate "success" you dream up. It's the trip getting there that matters! For example, along the way, it's using what you have to help others. make deep connections, give and experience unconditional love, cultivate vulnerable friendships, express gratitude, be generous, engage in meaningful activities, and simple be present. These are the things of deep joy. I think it would be more appropriate to give "that look of sorrow" to those who are seeking wealth as the end in itself, or fame, or an enormous house, or accolades at work. Nothing wrong with those things, but they're not lasting, and they don't bring the fulfilled life that we all want and need. By the world's standards, I don't have much. My car is sixteen years old, I'm on disability, live in a modest home, I don't have fame, wealth, super smarts, beauty, or the perfect body. Yet my "joy meter" is off the hook! I have a husband who gets and loves me, friends who are real and love me unconditionally as I do them, my time is my own and I get to focus on my bible study women, and the warriors in the Cancer Connection. I'm also able to dream big as I'm now writing a six-week workshop for girls living in a shelter. Maybe one day I'll publish it! I have time to do things I love! I get to have a car that takes me from here to there! I get to live in the most perfect home I could ever dream up! I have an amazing and beautiful oncologist, I got to "go skiing" with my best friend, Amy today in Colorado using Facetime, I had the most ideal of nights Wednesday with dear friends, listening to Bob Goff share about his new book. And the absolute delight of meeting the gorgeous, inside and out, teen daughter of my dear friend Stephanie. I asked her if she would assist me with the workshop, and she excitedly said yes! I bought a fitness stability ball, and it makes me happy just to bounce! (My favorite toy used to be the hippity hop.) Shall I go on? I'm a music lover, and get to listen to my favorites all the time. Today, I got to sit in the sun for a while with Mojo and my music, what a delight. I'm not the best reader, but I love listening to books, and have access to thousands of them at my fingertips. My memory is the absolute worst, but I'm able to laugh about it now, rather than be insecure. I have a God who is very real and very present, and He never ceases to teach me, with kindness and gentleness, so many great and wonderful things. So, what's it all about? I can tell you, it's not about being happy (only) when things are going well. That's a plan destined for failure. Instead, it's about learning how to be content in all situations, and no matter how dire the circumstance, it's about finding "something" to be grateful for, every day and always, and finding "someone" to help and encourage wherever you go. There's no greater joy. None. More than any trade or skill, pastime or project, I pray I stay focused on the face of Jesus and His gentle reminders to trust Him, and to live in this moment. And this one. And this one. His gifts to me. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12 Don't feel sorry for me. I'm living the sweet life! 3/2/2018 0 Comments the do overAs you read this, click "play" and indulge in these beautiful melodies and voices. Today, I was reintroduced to people, movies and authors from years long passed. At each point in my life, they pierced my soul for various reasons. But because I didn't really know what to do with the thoughts and/or information, like a seed planted in shallow soil, the ideas didn't take root. For example. Though I was raised Catholic, I had no experiences of Jesus and the power of being in relationship him. However, my VERY first "experience with Christ" was extremely profound. My parents used to be involved in this group called Marriage Encounter, and one day they had everyone over to watch a movie. I didn't have anything better to do at around 14 years old on a Saturday afternoon, so I succumbed to hanging out with the old people and watching the film. I tell you the truth, from the moment it began until it's ending, I was riveted. I wanted to steal glances around the room to see if I could catch a glimpse of how people were reacting. Were they feeling what I was feeling? Seeing what I was seeing? I was quietly exploding with some kind of delight and peace. Brother Sun, Sister Moon is a movie about St. Francis of Assissi, and his descent from the church, and ascent into the mysterious wonder of a relationship with Christ. He left the riches and status for a life of poverty and service to the "lowest of the low." And, it was there where He experienced the most profound joy he had so deeply longed for. I was 14. I wanted to cry, I had no idea why. Over the years, I've read here and there about Francis, and visited Assisi a couple of times. I've always had a special place in my heart for him. Lately, though, I'm beginning to see the meaning of all the "random" encounters throughout my life. In my twenties, I used love the music of Hildegard Von Bingen. I knew absolutely nothing about her life. It was just the music that brought me to other-worldly places. She's popped up in my life again recently, and as I read her story, I'm stunted by this incredible woman from the eleventh century, and how her story still exists. Another thing is these conversations I've had with friends over the last few months about Catholicism. I had absolutely no idea why I was thinking this, but I was "sort of" drawn to the Catholic Church. Yet, it wasn't a desire to begin worshipping there again. It was just something I couldn't put my finger on. But I shared these thoughts with some of my precious friends often. Now, I see what that was! This exploration of saints from centuries ago, who seemed to know something. They weren't satisfied with the status quo, and searched deeper. And their experiences were profound. I want to learn from them. A book I'm currently reading is throwing gasoline on the fire that already exists in my soul. Though, we've all heard or read books about the importance of gratitude, the way it's presented by this author is touching me in a deeper place. The proposal she makes about living a life of gratitude is something I've never heard before. Or, perhaps I wasn't read to hear it like this. The book is called "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Life Fully Right Where You Are" by Ann Voskamp. This leads me to the "DO OVER." After chemo today, I was able to connect with a dear friend at the Japanese Tea Garden. My experience there yesterday was comical, today's was quite different. We were able to indulge our senses in the incredible beauty of God's creative work. we sat at the cafe and indulged our taste buds, as well as our conversation about greater things, and the joy of just being. It was divine. I started another page on this website inspired by VosKamp's words. You're welcome to read, but it's more for me. I want to live a life immersed in gratitude. Not just once in a while for the good things I receive, but moment by moment, no matter what I receive. I would like to practice thankfulness in the valley, and on the mountain top, on the highway, listening to the news, through great highs, or people who hurt me, with people who fill my cup, and people who drain my cup. Gratitude #1 The ability to write this post. What are your thoughts on gratitude? 3/1/2018 0 Comments Plans to zen, revisedThe warmth and the sunshine this morning, and no pain in my back, I couldn’t resist getting out there. I was also playing some really cool music, and had this vision of vibing with Mojo at the Japanese Tea Garden. The plan was to find a spot, sit all zen-like, Mojo, alert but relaxed sitting next to me, and jamming, earbuds on, to some favorite tunes. You know what they say about plans. Mojo was maniacally excited (as a dog should be). I’m trying to hold my giant water bottle, his leash which is quickly wrapping around me, and be camera ready for the serene “zen” moments I was to experience. Then John called just to chat during his conference period (a few moments i treasure) and meanwhile, Mojo started doing his bidness right on a primary walkway! Unraveling him, I needed to go find napkins to clean up the mess, but trying to get a decent photo, and get at least one “ohm” moment. Not happening. Then realizing I’ve lost a bit of strength and balance (ok, a lot of strength and balance, lol), I must have looked pretty comical juggling all that stuff, trying to “control” Mojo, at the same time holding the rock-rail for dear life so I wouldn't fall in the water or trip on the stairs (or, of course, over Mojo). Ok, not exactly the thing I envisioned, but it was still glorious! I was there, and I scooped up every bit of marrow I could! Absolutely glorious! This day is dedicated to my sister, SarahSarah Mahoney Mattesonn because she’s the one who would have indulged in the delight of it all like no other, with me. And this would be the theme song playing as we walked around. Not so much the lyrics, just the vibe. #lovejoanarmatrading 2/27/2018 0 Comments That day i forgot about cancerThat would be today! My idea of stellar and yours may be a little different, but to me, it doesn't get much better than this.
I didn't think about cancer. I didn't think about the news or the world. I didn't worry about any of the stupid things I worry about. I logged a whopping 1,180 steps on my fitbit, lol! As Ice Cube says, "It was a good day." |
AuthorJust me. A feisty, compassionate, forgetful, loving,, peacemaker-type, sometimes a little pushy, maybe a tad stubborn, creative, self-motivated, community builder, and music-loving warrior. Perhaps my greatest accomplishment, though, is being married to the most wonderful husband I never knew I needed. #itscomplicated Archives
August 2018
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